05 August 2011

I Sit

I’m antsy. Things are changing quickly in my little world and I’m antsy. The Boy moves in to his dorm next Sunday (EIGHT days). My daughter starts her 3rd year of college at CU Boulder in about 2 weeks. I’ve got race event after race event lined up for the next 2 ½ months and I received notification today that an application I put in for a Writer/Editor for the Department of Interior, National Park Service in 1 of 5 locations (2 in CO, 1 in MT and 1 in NM), that I forgot I applied for, has been deemed “highly qualified” and passed on to god or whomever for further consideration.

And yet, I sit. Paralyzed with fear of what might be and what might not be.
I still haven’t mastered how to cook for three after my divorce and that was 15 years ago. How the hell am I going to figure out how to cook for just one? Cause I HATE leftovers. Except for meatloaf and lasagna, leftovers have no place in my life.

Without The Boy around, will I turn in to that hermit I claim I could easily become? I’ve always been independent but this will be the first time in my life that I am truly on my own. My friends with kids tell me not to worry, one or both will be back some time but I’m not so sure. Especially after that eviction notice I gave The Boy. My daughter is well on her way to establishing her life and like me, I can’t see her returning home for anything other than a visit. This thought both saddens me and thrills me.

I wonder if that girl supposedly singing on “Jay Leno” realizes she attached some sort of taxidermy critter to the top of her head and if she’s on “Jay Leno”, shouldn’t she have enough money to be able to afford an entire outfit instead of some horrible quilting experiment out of denim gone terribly wrong?

Like I said, I’m antsy. I can’t keep my thoughts coherent. I am excited about finally being deemed “highly qualified” for a position but I am disappointed that it’s not overseas. The position I really want, stationed in Ansbach, Germany, just closed today. I know that. I know it can be up to a month before any notification is sent out. I KNOW that. Still, I find myself frantically checking my email for the dreaded “not qualified” or “qualified” letter.

It seems that for the past 5, 10 or 15 years I’ve been looking forward to the day when I’ve successfully sent the DNA Thieves out and can “get back to my life”. But what life is that? I can move, if I want to (and I want to) but I’ll not do it without some security. I can have cereal for dinner every night, if I want to but really, how sad is that? I don’t think I’ve ever thought too far in to the future cause if I had, wouldn’t I be more prepared for Deliverance Day (the day The Boy moves out)? For the past year, I’ve been talking about the day I hit “vested” status with the State so I can quit and take my retirement with me. Well, V-Day is 3 months away and the closest I’ve come to being able to quit is the first notification email I received today. I find myself playing it safe – maybe too safe. I’m hoping that come December 2, 2011, an amazing employment opportunity in Germany will be dropped in my lap, I’ll be able to refurb my house so it can be rented and I’ll finally find myself living the life I want. I just wish I knew what life that was.

I’m concerned that my constant talk of wanting to “start my life” hurts my kids. It can’t be easy to hear over and over and over and over and over again how excited your mother is to finally be rid of you. But my kids weren’t a burden and I can’t imagine my life without them. My DNA thieves are amazing people and I am enjoying our changing relationship. And I wonder what I’ll do to fill the vacuum of them no longer needing me.

I wonder if I am alone in this petrification that I am experiencing, on the eve of my youngest moving on. I wonder how complacent I will be and wonder if I will let my life just pass me by or will I take it by the horns and say, “What the hell? Why not?” And go for it.

So here I sit. Listening to The Boy and his friend giggle while playing video games, I think of my daughter and plan my next steps. Will I have the courage to take my plans to the next level? I certainly hope so. In the meantime, I think I’ll take the dog for a walk and contemplate the greatness that may or may not be.
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